You know how many times I failed and how I want this so bad. I even lost weight because of crying. I cried at night when everyone is asleep. And it hurts. It so damn hurts. I smiled and tried my best not crying in front of my mother and my brother and I succeeded.
However, I can’t hide my tears from you and you know I’m so weak at this moment. I sought for comfort to help me carry this burden but what I found is people telling me that flying is not my way. My friend even said that, “Maybe God doesn’t want you to fly.”
I don’t blame him for saying those words but what I need right now is comforting words, telling me that I’m not a loser, telling me that it’s gonna be okay, telling me that I will fly one day with a very big smile on my face.
I shared my feeling and he torn my heart into pieces in this very failed day. How come he even said that, “maybe You, Lord, doesn’t want me to fly”? And if it is so, why did I get the invitation?
Well, if I want to look at the bright side, I’m thankful that I was invited to the interview. Thousands are not as lucky as I am. And I lost weight because of this. Maybe I’ll lose more kilos because of crying a lot. But I can’t really look at the bright side now, I don’t even know what to do.
My dearest Lord, I feel like a dog right now. A stupid dog standing near his master’s feet. I don’t understand a single word You’re trying to tell me. Nor do I get the signs of what You want me to do, what I’m supposed to do.
Please help me carry on and let this burden fade away. I know I am nothing now and people make fun of me and my dreams. Yet I beg for You to stay with me because I can’t do this alone, dear God. People say that there is a thin line between trying harder and stop trying. And they told me to try the second one. But I keep asking that if flying is not my way, then why did I get the invitation, oh God?
Yet if it is, if dreams do come true, then help me overcome this sadness and get up again. Make me strong and courageous. Show me the way to make it real. Make me a living proof that there’s nothing impossible in this life. I have promised myself that I will stop trying if I fail for the 10th time. I don’t know what would the airlines be, yet I will try once again. If I fail, then my friend is right and flying is really not my way.
Thank you for everything You have given me today. I learned new life lessons and they make me stronger.